#13 - The Horse I Bought Twice - Mesa

On a wintery January day, I drove out to a local Paint Horse breeder to see her foal crop. There were 11 newly weaned foals in a variety of colors. One darling filly captured my heart. I wasn’t even horse-shopping, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that we belonged together. I let this feeling linger until I finally went back two months later and bought her. Clearly, I followed my heart when deciding to make Mesa my new equine partner. This decision came from a place of love and I felt elated when I finally said yes to my desires.

I boarded Mesa and worked with her daily using natural horsemanship techniques for ground work. Although she was a bit aloof, Mesa learned excellent ground manners, became extremely quiet to desensitizing, and would join up with me at liberty out in a large pasture even with other horses around. I eagerly looked forward to the time each day when I could visit Mesa and genuinely enjoyed our time together.

When Mesa was two, we chose to move to Texas to be near our grandchildren. I had to decide if I should sell Mesa or take her with me. I began researching. I learned that it would cost $1000 to transport her and the board would be $400-600 per month. Purchasing horse property was out of the question. Based on the facts, I decided that it would not be fair for Mesa to leave Montana, with its lush pastures and mild summers to move to Texas where she would grow up in a box stall, a small dirt turn out area, and extreme summer heat. After all, she was only two and still had a lot of growing to do. I just could not justify that lifestyle for her at the place she was in her development. I was confident that Mesa was going to a loving home with a seasoned horse professional named Susan and that my decision was in her best interest. While it was difficult to see her go, I had a peaceful feeling, knowing that we would both be ok.

After two years in Texas, we decided to return to Montana, much sooner than we had originally anticipated. I was excited that moving back meant I could have a horse again. Because I had had flare ups with a herniated cervical disc, I decided that I would look for a well-trained gaited horse that would be smooth to ride and easy on my neck. I began to pray daily for the perfect horse to find me.

One night, a few weeks later, I had a nightmare about Mesa. I dreamed that she was choking to death and the veterinarian was trying desperately to save her. I awoke from that nightmare in a panic and was unable to go back to sleep for a long time, while my heart raced and my mind whirred. The next morning, I popped onto a website with horses for sale. As I was scanning the ads, my heart nearly stopped when I saw Mesa advertised. Clearly, I took that as a sign from God that she should be in my life again.

Without hesitation, I contacted Susan and struck a deal that when I returned to Montana, Mesa would be mine. Never mind that she was not gaited and not well-trained. That didn’t matter. I just had an overwhelming feeling that Mesa was my heart-horse and that I needed her back in my life again. Besides, it gave my husband something to joke about -- who buys the same horse twice?? Susan was retiring from the horse business, so over the next weeks I purchased her horse trailer and a beautiful yearling Paint filly, Boston, so that Mesa would have a friend.

While Susan owned her, Mesa was sent to a trainer to be started under saddle. She had a rough time with that trainer, bucking at every opportunity. I later found out that the trainer had actually roped Mesa’s feet out from under her as she loped around the round pen. Next, she went to a young bronc-rider who rode her on a ranch for a month. She never bucked with him, but did a lot of galloping and really had no refinement to her training. Upon returning home, she was not ridden again until I started riding her in May as a 4-year-old.

I rode Mesa all summer without incident. However, because I feared re-injuring my neck, I rode rather conservatively, never pushing beyond her (or my) comfort zone. One windy day in August, she stumbled and reacted with a buck. I came off and she stepped on my leg. I got back on that day and continued to ride her in the days that followed, but with more trepidation. I was afraid -- not afraid of Mesa -- but afraid of my physical limitations. I decided that I needed a trainer to ride her through new experiences to see if she would react by bucking. I checked around and a trainer about an hour away was recommended to me. He came out and met Mesa and too easily convinced me that she had bucked because she was bored with my style of riding (dressage) and needed a job. His advice was to train her in reining and said that within 60 days I would have a well-trained horse with a new job.

I did not have a good feeling when I dropped her off, nor when I didn’t hear anything from him for a full 10 days. When he finally returned my messages, I learned that he completely started over with her training and hadn’t ridden her yet because she had been freaking out. I had never known Mesa to freak out -- ever. She had always been curious and calm. I happened to be in Texas with my grandkids, so I couldn’t just drive out to check on her. When I returned home and went to see her, I really had misgivings, but according to the trainer, she was making progress.

I was finally invited out to ride Mesa. He was using a twisted snaffle and a running martingale, equipment that made me uncomfortable. I rode her and felt like she hadn’t progressed much past the walk-trot-canter I had been working on prior to bringing her. He kept talking about her anxiety and reactive-ness. I left that day feeling like his style of training and Mesa’s personality did not mesh. She was not reactive when I was there; rather, she was “checked out.” She was clearly unhappy and had lost her sparkle.

I prayed -- a lot. I was prompted to post in a closed Facebook group of dressage/natural horsemanship folks. Every single responder urged me to bring Mesa home as soon as possible. When I quickly got her home, she was either freaked out or checked out. She would explode at normal happenings, such as when the cat jumped from the fence or when a tractor drove by. Mostly, however, she stood in the far corner alone. She did not care to interact with me. In fact, she seemed to be avoiding all human contact.

My decision to take Mesa to a trainer came from a place of fear, and I had an icky feeling about it from the get-go. This resulted in a negative experience for my sweet mare and gave me the challenge of re-teaching her that she could trust me and to relax, when she would rather explode or retreat somewhere within. I needed her with me, so that we could be partners. When I prayed and made my decision from a place of love, I brought Mesa home and started the long journey of healing.

I could live with regret from my decision to take Mesa to a trainer, but ultimately, I needed to remind myself that if it should have happened another way, it would have. This experience taught me to let go of the fear of re-injuring my neck. If I couldn’t let this go, I needed to let horses go because horses are big, quick, unpredictable animals. If I was going to have horses, I could not constantly be fearful of my physical limitations. After all, I did get bucked-off and did not hurt my neck. I needed to trust my ability as a horsewoman, with a willingness to continue learning as I moved forward.

I worked my way through an online horsemanship class with Karen Rohlf. Mesa returned to her calm, curious self the majority of the time. In fact, one day she slipped and fell under the fence. She stayed calm and waited for us to move the fence out of her way before she tried to get up. It was amazing to see her thinking and trusting, rather than freaking out. I did agree with the trainer that she needed a job, and I did my best to offer her variety and challenges as she was ready. However, I never felt 100% confident riding her.

I finally came to the decision that I was going to stop riding Mesa and eventually use her for breeding, when I happened across an inquiry on Facebook from her former owner, Susan, looking for a horse of her exact description. She wanted one more crop of foals before she retired for good. Because of Mesa’s history, I wasn’t planning to sell her. I didn’t want her being passed along from rider to rider until she was finally a finished and trustworthy mount. However, because I knew and trusted Susan, I contacted her and she was happy to buy her again. She took Mesa straight to a stallion for breeding and then to her granddaughter’s place for the summer to herd cows on a working cattle ranch.

Mesa was bred to be a cow pony and had spent hours looking over the fence at the neighboring cattle ranch when she lived at my place. I had always envisioned her as a kid’s horse. It so happened that Susan’s granddaughter had a young buckaroo who would eventually become Mesa’s partner. I feel that I gave Mesa the nurturing she needed while her former/new owner created the perfect space in her family’s life for this special mare. While I was sad that Mesa was missing from my pasture, I knew that we were both better off and that we would always be bonded by our shared love. After meditating and praying my way through this process, I had created a new vision for myself and a new vision for Mesa.

Looking back on my experience with Mesa, here are the lessons that I learned:

It is possible to overly-desensitize a horse. I may have been too successful as a natural horsemanship student, to the point where I had Mesa so calm that she often disengaged and didn't think for herself. Therefore, when the trainer came at her with something new and scary, she didn’t know how to navigate the situation. Thus, she was either checked out or freaked out when he was attempting to train her. In the horse world, we call this learned helplessness.
Self-empathy and forgiveness are necessary to move forward. I also quit beating myself up for being so sad and guilty over a choice that I willingly made. I loved Mesa and we shared a very special bond; it was unrealistic for me to think I shouldn’t be sad that she was gone. By forgiving myself and truly having empathy for me, I began the process of reclaiming my power.
Create a new vision for yourself when the old one no longer serves you. No longer was I young, carefree, and living in a body that bounced back after a fall. I didn’t see myself as timid, but I was definitely more thoughtful about my interactions with horses. I had started loving the older, calmer, more patient rider that I had become. I knew there were horses who would thrive with this guidance. I had to change my story - from girl who rode with wild abandon to woman who appreciated a harmonious partnership - in order to heal my heart.
With Mesa in my life, I learned a new level of being present. She required me to be aware of my breath, my stance, my energy, and my presence.
Follow your intuition, pray, and look for signs from God. Because of this, I had the opportunity to bring Mesa into my life a second time. I was once again filled with love and gratitude for Mesa. What I didn’t expect was the treasure I received in Boston! She was truly a special horse and will have a place in my heart forever, as well. I had a logical picture of the perfect horse, but my prayers were answered with two horses who fit into my life and heart even more perfectly! God knows my heart.
Honor a horse’s destiny. Rather than “failing” Mesa, I saw that I gave her the opportunity to truly be the horse God designed her to be. Mesa was never going to be a happy dressage horse, but now she is a very happy cow pony who carries her young rider while he herds and ropes their cattle.