Horse-Momma Guilt

I am passionate about horses. There is nothing I would rather do than be with them, and because of this, my lifelong affair with horses has always had an unwelcome companion – guilt. As I have succumbed to this guilt, I know that my path with horses has been blocked, I have made regretful decisions to sell them, and I have been left with an unfulfilled yearning.

Why guilt? I have not intentionally or knowingly caused anyone harm. I have not committed an act that requires forgiveness. What then has led to this guilty feeling that has, time and again, derailed my deepest hopes and most powerful dreams?

When I began writing this, I thought that surely, I could answer that question. Now I realize that I have even more questions. Several years after my first horse show as a young girl, my mom confided in me that the entry fees for that show literally took groceries off our table. Guilt. Why did I feel guilty about sacrifices my parents chose to make? Hauling horses caused my non-horseman father a lot of anxiety. Guilt. Why did I feel guilty that my dad had issues with horse-related anxiety? I needed help loading and stacking hay, building fences, repairing barns. Guilt. Why did I feel guilty that I needed a helping hand with heavy-duty chores? As a mother, horses took time away from my non-horsey children and husband. Guilt. Why did I feel guilty that I was nourishing my soul and refueling my being? My horses require money that could be spent on “family” things. Guilt. Why did I feel guilty for spending money that I earned on something that gave me such pleasure, especially when there was money to spend? For a number of years my husband resented the time and attention that I gave to horses. Guilt. Why didn’t I try to work through this problem with him instead of pushing my passion aside?

If I’m honest, I know all of these questions have the same answer. In the past, I have struggled with a fear-based feeling of unworthiness and a need for outer validation. About a year and a half ago, I set the daily intention through affirmations and reminders, that “I am enough.” (You can read about that here.)

When I was 6 months in, I realized that it was time to nourish my soul and answer my calling. I bought two beautiful paint fillies whom I absolutely adore. I am learning to let go of guilt through praying, knowing that I am worthy, and trying not to concern myself with what others think. Actually, what I’ve found is that my family and friends are genuinely happy for me.

Whenever I need to make a major purchase – hay, fencing, saddle – I feel guilt, but then I let it go. Whenever I ask my husband for help with a round bale or a water tank – I feel guilt, but then I let it go. Whenever I am playing at liberty in the pasture with my sweet girls– I feel guilt – just kidding! I feel pure bliss! Nothing else enters my mind space. It’s just me and these magnificent creatures sharing a moment of authentic connection. It’s as if everything else melts away and the three of us are suspended in the “now.”