Glory — My Montana Life

Nearly six months ago, we made the decision to sell our country home and move to town. When I couldn’t find an acceptable boarding situation, I had the opportunity to place my sweet mare, Boston, in a loving home. I knew she would thrive with her new human because of the foundation I had given her. I had pampered the heck out of her, so I also knew she’d have some growing pains. But she’s smart, sensitive, and intuitive so I knew she would do great without me.

However, I didn’t realize how difficult losing her would be for me. I cried - no sobbed - every single day for an entire month. I sought therapy for the first time in my life. Karen Partisch helped me to let go of the unrelenting grief and the feeling that I had let Boston down. She encouraged me to send my dreams of a new horse and an indoor arena out into the Universe. I did, sort of, without really believing I was deserving. After 3 solid months of grieving, I finally asked God why He had placed horses at the heart of my soul. Why had horses even been a part of my life, when time and time again I had to say goodbye?

It was as if I had a shift in consciousness. Suddenly, I had a knowing that I had learned so many lessons from horses. Among them, horses were there to teach me:

To love myself.
To be comfortable with what is.
To stop wishing I was somewhere else.
To surrender and allow.
To let go of my attachment to people, things, horses, and places.

So I sent my dreams out again, but this time with an attitude of gratitude and expectancy. Two days after my new-found aha’s, I was offered the opportunity to board at a friend’s place with an indoor arena within 10 minutes of my new home. Wow! Was I ever excited! I had finally learned my lessons and now I was being rewarded! My husband agreed that this would be the perfect solution to my horse addiction...until I actually went horse-shopping. It turned out that he wasn’t as supportive as I had thought, and my daughter reminded me that I had replayed this pattern so many times that perhaps it wouldn’t be fair to do this to another horse. I felt that my dream of having an equine partner once again was gone like a wisp of the wind. Uff! I was broken. Apparently, I had more lessons to learn and God was using horses as a channel for those teachings.

As I sat there in a heap of brokenness and overwhelming sadness, I realized that I had given my power away, and not for the first time in my life. I reached out to my son, who told me that my power was in allowing myself to feel broken and grieving. And so I did...I was just. so. sad; not because I had let Boston go, not because my husband didn’t support me, but because my soul had been yearning for something that I easily gave up on. I was denying my true self again and it felt awful. With the support of reading and listening to Martha Beck and Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, I started rewiring myself from the patterns I had typically followed to a new way of responding to the way my deepest longings intersected with my reality. When Taylor said that “we are feeling beings who think, not thinking beings who feel,” I realized that I needed to allow myself to feel ALL of the feelings that I had been denying. I began using the “Brain Huddle” strategy whenever I felt triggered, sad, hurt, or undeserving. I picked up my horse-dream again and decided that if I couldn’t have a horse of my own, I would start a horse-sitting business. During this time, I met a wonderful woman who offered me a ride on one of hers in a 3-day horse clinic. Doors were starting to open.

Much to my bewilderment, my husband came to me and said, “I think you should get a horse.” No explanation, no reason, just get a horse. Whoa! Did I just hear that? Maybe I misunderstood. I just let it sit there for a week or so and then cautiously started horse shopping again. A vision of a bay with a small amount of white on the face and a thick, black forelock kept popping into my head. One day I was scrolling through FB and saw Glory, a 4-year-old Belgian Draft/Paint/Friesian cross; she WAS the horse in my visions! She was in North Dakota at a horse-flipping ranch (where she had been for 3 weeks after transporting from yet another horse-flipping ranch in Missouri). I knew nothing about her, but I felt in my heart that she needed to be in my life (I’m sure anyone could recommend a better way to choose the perfect equine partner). A week later, she stepped off the trailer and became my new friend. She is very sensitive, intuitive, and brave; she has also demanded that I earn her trust. Within a week, I considered reselling her, but knowing that I was at least her 4th owner within 4 years, I just couldn’t do that to her. She deserves more! And I love her!

My next lesson: acknowledge and let go of shame and guilt. I am so excited about my journey with Glory and I want to document and share it. When I had Boston, I started an Instagram account called “My Forever Soul Horse” where I shared photos and thoughts about the process of growing and learning with her. When I sold her, I used an app to create a beautiful hardbound book that used all of my IG posts. It is a keepsake that I will treasure forever! I truly want to do the same with Glory, but there’s one thing that has been stopping me. I feel SO guilty about selling Boston (and several horses before her) and I have deep shame for giving up. I am incredibly embarrassed to admit to myself or anyone else that I have allowed this pattern to repeat itself again. Shame is a bugger and can keep you stuck; but I don’t want to be stuck. I want to grow and thrive and live a joyful life! So...part of my healing journey is to write this, to be transparent, admit my shortcomings, to foster the process of letting go of the guilt and shame, and to start posting the journey with my new horse. I would like to think that she is my forever soul horse, as that wish has its roots in my past horse story (another blog post I’m sure); but for now, just knowing that she is part of my journey is enough.

Meet Glory! I have lots of goals for us, but above all else, I long for our partnership to thrive and I yearn for her to shine in all her splendid Glory!