Consciously Uncoupling with a Horse

A bit over a month ago, I made the difficult decision to sell my mare, Mesa. You can read about my journey with her here. I had been riding her daily and just never felt safe. She is a cow-bred horse with a lot of spark; a horse who needs a job and has energy to spare. I am an older rider with some injury- and age-related physical limitations who enjoys a relaxed ride around the dressage ring. Both of us were feeling frustrated.

I had finally come to the decision that I was going to stop riding her and eventually use her for breeding, when I happened across an inquiry on Facebook from her former owner looking for a horse of her exact description. Because of Mesa’s history, I wasn’t planning to sell her. I didn’t want her being passed along from rider to rider until she was finally a finished and trustworthy mount. However, because I know and trust her former owner, I contacted her and she was happy to buy her again. She took Mesa straight to a stallion for breeding and then to her granddaughter’s place for the summer to herd cows on a working cattle ranch.

This is the best place for Mesa; I know she’s happy and in good hands, yet I have been grieving her absence from my life. Because of this, I was stuck – unable to move forward with purchasing a new horse, unable to write, finding it difficult to continue working with my 2-year-old filly, Boston - just stuck.

This was the day Mesa left. It looks like they might be saying good bye.

I was visiting with my son about my sadness when he mentioned the concept of conscious uncoupling and how some couples are choosing this route, as opposed to the traditional divorce. He suggested that I look at selling Mesa from the perspective of consciously uncoupling, rather than a transaction between horse owners.

I looked up conscious uncoupling and followed the steps outlined by Katherine Woodward Thomas in her 2009 book, Conscious Uncoupling, Five Steps to Living Happily Even After. This new perspective has made all the difference in my healing and my ability to move forward. Her definition of conscious uncoupling is, “The act of ending a relationship, but in a way that is viewed as a very positive step by both parties, who believe that their lives will be better for doing so, and that they can continue to remain friends, and possibly not fall out of love with each other.”

Lying in the pasture the morning Mesa left. This was my last heartfelt conversation with her.

Here are the steps from her book that I followed that have helped me to see this as a positive event that has left both of our lives better for doing so.

1. Find Emotional Freedom

This first step found me naming and owning my emotions: guilt, failure, and sadness. I felt guilty because it had been my intention for Mesa to be my “forever” horse and I felt like I was letting her down. The failure I felt was overwhelming. I was once the rider who looked forward to riding the “sparky,” challenging horses. What had happened to me? My sadness came from saying good bye to a special friend. No wonder I was feeling so down. From there I had to cultivate self-empathy. That, my friends, has been a tough one that has required me to sit with myself, my emotions, and my feelings at my very core.

2. Reclaim Your Power and Your Life

As I nurtured self-empathy, I had no choice but to forgive myself. Rather than “failing” Mesa, I saw that I gave her the opportunity to truly be the horse God designed her to be. I also quit beating myself up for being so sad and guilty over a choice that I willingly made. I love Mesa and we share a very special bond; it’s unrealistic for me to think I shouldn’t be sad that she’s gone. By forgiving myself and truly having empathy for me, I began the process of reclaiming my power.

3. Break the Pattern, Heal Your Heart

No longer am I young, carefree, and living in a body that bounces back after a fall. I don’t see myself as timid, but I am definitely more thoughtful about my interactions with horses. I have started loving the older, calmer, more patient rider that I have become. There are horses who will thrive with this guidance. I had to change my story - from girl who rode with wild abandon to woman who appreciates a harmonious partnership - in order to heal my heart.

4. Become a Love Alchemist

Then came the time to name the lessons I have learned. With Mesa in my life, I learned a new level of being present. She required me to be aware of my breath, my stance, my energy, and my presence. My purchase of her was purely based on emotion. I now understand how important it is to be more mindful about the next horse I buy. With my lessons learned comes a new healthy intention: to find a horse that suits the renewed rider in me perfectly. For now, I am enjoying groundwork with Boston, but I know that I may not be the one who brings her along under saddle. When I’m ready, I will need to find a trustworthy trainer who will step in for as long as it takes for Boston to remain my partner. I have always felt that she is my soul-horse.

Boston and I comforting each other after Mesa left.

The second photo actually looks like she's praying with me.

5. Create Your Happily Even After Life

After meditating and praying my way through this process, I have created a new vision for myself and I have a new vision for Mesa. I have already received photos of her herding cows and, wow, she looks HAPPY!! I am so excited to go and visit her and her foal next summer.

By looking at our parting from a different perspective, I truly feel that I have grown and healed on a much deeper level. I also feel that I gave Mesa the nurturing she needed while her former/new owner created the perfect space in her life for this special mare. While I am still sad that Mesa is missing from my pasture, I know that we are both better off and that we will always be bonded by our shared love.

**Photo Credit for this and above 3 photos - Susan Reed**

Mesa is loving her new home and her new job!