4 Ways to Grieve

Last week marked the one-year anniversary of my mom’s death. While I am by no means an expert on the grieving process, I can share some things that have helped me cope with losing her.

The rainbow that appeared out my car window as we traveled home when Mom passed.

1. Watch for Signs:

As we were traveling home the day after she passed, I was been deep in thought, wondering how I would move forward without my earthly mom. At that moment, a full rainbow appeared outside the car window and I remembered how she had always told me that a rainbow was a sign of God’s promises. I called my dad to tell him about the rainbow and he reminded me that on their wedding day they came out of the church to find a rainbow in the sky. God fulfilled His promise to them, as they lived a lifetime as best friends. Quite often, I see a rainbow and feel that it’s a sign from Mom, delivered by God, that she is okay and that I am, too. Exactly one year after she passed, the most glorious full rainbow appeared across a blue sky, accompanied by just a handful of raindrops. Without a doubt, I know that was a sign sent from Mom and God.

My mom’s favorite bird was the Meadowlark and it has definitely become my favorite, too. As Mother’s Day approached this year, I was missing my mom even more than usual. I was out with my horses, wishing that she could have seen them and our new prairie home. The most brilliant, yellow Meadowlark landed on the corral rail and sang me a song. I know that was a sign from God letting me know that she is still with me. A few weeks after we moved to the prairie, I was struggling. My husband had gone back to Texas for work, the well pump stopped working, the septic was backing up, the melting snow was flooding us out, I was trying to paint the house, the dogs were sick; a challenging time to say the least. I really felt defeated. I stepped outside and heard the first Meadowlark of the season. I knew I could continue on and I knew that was a sign from Mom, my all-time greatest encourager. In that moment I thanked God for opening my eyes to Mom’s presence, and for that sign that all would be well.

This glorious full rainbow appeared on the 1 year anniversary of Mom’s passing.

2. Allow Sadness and Other Emotions:

I have found that grief is not constant. It comes in waves and can be triggered by the smallest things: a song on the radio, the scent of my hand lotion, a tulip poking out from a snow bank, a cloud in the sky. Rather than deny my sadness or anger or emptiness or guilt, I allow it to flow over me like a giant wave of the ocean. By allowing myself to feel all my feelings, even the bad ones, I am leaving the door open for the loving feelings that follow. I have found myself crying through dish washing (Mom always told me that was the best time for a good cry.), as well as joyfully dancing around the living room to a jazz song (picturing her bouncing along on the piano bench as her fingers effortlessly made their way across the keyboard). I have given myself the gift of allowing the grief to come and go, to overtake me and pass through me. It is only through allowing the feelings that I am able to let them go.

Mom playing a duet with me. She was such an incredibly talented woman.

3. Share the Memories:

I love to talk about Mom and remind my friends and family about the special things she did. I visit my dad often, trying to help him navigate his world without her by his side. One way I can do that is by sharing my memories and listening to him share his. My daughter was at my mom’s side when she passed. In fact, she held her in her arms as she took her last breath. It’s important for me to continue sharing memories with her and talking through her memories of her granny, in life and through death. My mom loved family traditions, so I will continue to share these in hopes that generations to come will look on these and think of her. I will always try to share the parts of her that I admired the most in my actions and words.

Me between my mom and my daughter, the two most important women in my life.

4. Hold onto Faith:

My mom loved to share her faith with others. She was always involved in the church and played the organ for countless funerals. I have clear memories of her thoughts on them from the time I was a child. She was adamant that deaths should be a celebration of life, that we should have faith that we will meet our loved ones again in heaven, and that death is the ultimate healing by the ultimate healer. It’s also interesting to note that a month before she passed, she and Dad sat me down and had a serious request of me. No service for either of their deaths. I got some flack for upholding that request, but we had an intimate ash-spreading ceremony at the lake that was absolutely perfect! I probably do not seem as sad as maybe I should, but I honestly feel that I have not clung to the sadness. Rather, I hold onto my own faith. I know in my heart that Mom’s spirit is here, in heaven, in the Meadowlarks and rainbows, in a lovely melody; and that her spirit is at peace.